Separation Anxiety
As they grow - 9 to 12 months
Cling Time
Believe it or not, separation anxiety is a positive sign of a baby's healthy development. One day your baby can be passed to and left with just about anyone. The next day your usual baby-sitter arrives and without warning, your baby wails inconsolably as you put on your coat. Separation anxiety and its close cousin, stranger wariness, generally kick in between the ages of six months and one year. They are essential milestones that play a major role in a child's emotional development. For most parents, this is a difficult phase. Nevertheless, your baby's overwhelming desire to be close to you does serve a crucial purpose. Experts agree that it is the basis of your child's ability to form personal relationships.

During the second half of the first year, babies make a major emotional leap. They realize first that Mother is a separate individual from his or her self and, second, that they value her presence far more than anybody else's. Eventually this special person can be the baby's father, sibling, or grandparent as well. By the age of two, most children can cope with routine separations. However, over the years, the intense yearning to be with that special person will be transformed into an ability and desire to forge friendships with peers and, ultimately, mature sexual relationships. "Developing a secure emotional attachment early in life is one of the most important ingredients in a person's long-term emotional well-being," says Charles H. Zeanah, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry at Louisiana State University School of Medicine, in New Orleans. "Many children in institution or foster homes with constantly changing caregivers miss the opportunity to develop close relationships early in childhood," he says. As a result, studies have shown, when these kids enter adulthood, they often have difficulty feeling close to other people and, in some cases, exhibit antisocial behaviors. But you don't need to stay tethered to your infant until he or she gives you permission to go, notes Leila Beckwith, Ph.D., a Professor of Pediatrics at the University of California, Los Angeles.

What's as important as a baby's need to feel close to his or her mother is his or her awareness that while you can't always be by her side, you will always return. Happy reunions lead to less tearful partings. "If an infant gets comfort from the reunion, it makes future separations more tolerable," says Beckwith. Your baby gradually learns not only that he or she can manage without you, but also that he or she will have a terrific cuddle when you return. If the reunion goes wrong in some way (say you had a rotten day and you ignore him or her), your infant may become more distressed at the next separation. Many experts maintain that, ironically, an infant's reaction upon being reunited with his mother is a better indicator of how healthy he is attached than whether he or she screams bloody murder when you leave. "If your baby is clearly happy to see you when you return, then he is using you as a secure base and reconnecting just fine," says Zeanah. "But if your baby is mad or ignores you when you return and stays that way for more than about ten minutes you may need to spend more time together."

Keep in mind that babies express their feelings with varying degrees of intensity. The key to those differences isn't how much your baby loves you but, rather, his individual temperment and how often be has been separated from you before. Babies who have been left with a caregiver many times prior to their sixth-month birthday will be used to separation. An older baby who has rarely, if ever, been left with a babysitter is more likely to make a fuss. A sensitive caregiver will know this, and she'll try to distract him after you leave. Once your baby realizes that you can be depended on to return, he will be able to cope much better. And though it may be tough, try to keep your own reactions in check, your baby will sense any anxiety you show when you leave. So keep a smile on your face, and keep your good-byes loving but brief. Then close the door and go, knowing that in learning to cope with your absence, your youngster is taking a baby step toward a lifetime of loving relationships.